Quick Update

It's Thursday morning and I actually woke up before 6am and I don't have my kids.  Strange for me.  I have 3 college classes, one full time job, a part time job and I am so glad I don't have 4 classes.  I am stretched a bit thin these days but I am looking ahead and doing the best I can.
My high school sweetheart Paul contacted me.  He has broken up with his girlfriend of 10 years and is dealing with the dividing of property issues that come with separation.  He has good days and bad. 

I did pretty good on my first test's for computers and med terminology!  I hope I can keep it up.... well on to studying, again!
:)

Gearing Up!

Ok.  So I haven't figured out life yet, but I have saved a bundle on financial aid. ha.ha...

I managed to submit the FASFA info for both me and my oldest boy.  Ah.  What a great relief that was.  Just to not have to worry about it.

I am holding my books online for school and waiting to pick them up until they open next week.  I am excited/nervous....  Some books are 'components'.  Some 'required'.  What the heck does that mean?  My 3 class books are almost $400!  That is not including the 'components'.

I also added a back pack to my order.

My classes will be Monday afternoons, Wednesday Mornings and Saturday Mornings.  I have been spoiled lately and not used my alarm to get up for work when I don't have my boys.  I make it to work between 10am and 11am.  My 9am class is gonna hurt.

Gifts

The kids had a fabulous Christmas, well, I guess it was an okay Christmas.

Zeb loved his gift, but he always loves his gifts.  I love getting him things because he gets so excited.  That is my joy.  That is what I got for Christmas. He makes me happy.  Brock and Reece do too but they are past the "happy, happy, joy, joy" stage.

My counselor wonders why I stuck around Aaron so long.   That is what I keep trying to figure out these days.   I need to ask myself what am I getting out of it?  She said there has to be a reason that I stuck around him.... and still love talking to him.  This is dangerous territory.  I need to keep on top of my feelings.  I am still so crazy about him.  I am very lucky that he is still in Northern Ohio.  He wants to come down.  He keeps apologizing.  Says he misses me.  We have had many discussions on how much he hurt me.  How I still have a wall up and it  may never be repaired.

Part of me wants to have him again. At least until school starts. Why?  I am trying to figure that out.  Partly because he feels good.  He can say the most sincere things.  Has the best kisses... and well, some things aren't meant to be posted for the public.

He is now calling me daily.  I picked up a lot of extra hours at work, as I needed the extra cash.  I have some excuses for not heading up there right now and getting him.  BUT, Oh, how I would love to spend the next 3 days with him at my place...

I know, it will not take long for the manipulation to come back.  I think it is starting already, but I am on to it.  Today, his self doubts are showing in the form his self worth, telling me about some girls that are giving him their phone numbers and gifts.  But then he tells me he doesn't want them because I'm in his heart.  He said he couldn't do that, because he would feel like he was cheating on his heart.

I wish I could pinpoint why I am so stuck to him.  He really has a huge hole he dug for himself, yet part of me wants to give him another chance.

I wish I could figure out what I get from him.  Why does it feel like I can't seem to find it in other guys?  Rob texted me today, feeling alone.  I feel bad for him, but I don't miss him.  Ty also texted me wishing me a Merry Christmas.  I don't miss him either....

Yum... foood....

Today is a good day.
I am happy.  These days happiness is baked goods, coffee with creamer, coke zero and romantic comedies.  This weekends movies have been A little Bit of Heaven, 12 Dates of Christmas, and What's your number.

I can't say life is all roses... I have mini pity parties.  Didn't want to be alone on Christmas so I picked up 12 hours on Christmas. No one to make me feel special on my birthday.  I picked up 12 hours so I wouldn't be alone.  It's strange not anticipating some surprise for my birthday.  Even though my ex really didn't ever surprise me on my birthday the anticipation was nice.  Now, I don't have that.  I don't expect others to remember it.  Life gets crazy this time of year.  Time flies and I know how hard it is for me to afford birthday gifts for others...  I am glad I will have my kids for that week.  I do have that to look forward to.  They are finally getting better about not complaining when they have to stay at my place.  Their Dad just won an ipad, so now I feel like I have that to compete with.  I am trying to keep a positive attitude and hope they will like their Christmas gifts more than the ipad.

Rob texted me asking why I dumped him  for a friend so quick.  He wanted to know if I was seeing someone else.  Nope.  He didn't really seem to want to get to know me.  He talked so much about himself, and I felt like a bother.  I didn't tell him that. I just said if he knew my story maybe he would understand.  Then he texted me asking what my story was.  Really??? Now, via Text?  I listened to his ENTIRE life story over 6 hours and he wants me to text him mine??  Right.   He doesn't believe me that I am not seeing anyone.  Aaron still wants to get back with me, but I do not want to.  He hurt me too much.  School and my kids are my priority.

I am nervously counting the days until my first class.  I signed up to hold my books for school.  I am going to rent them.  It is half the price and I don't have to worry about getting rid of them.  I have to apply for financial aid just after the first of the year for both me and my oldest son, Brock.  I really worry about his ambition.  He just doesn't get motivated without threats.  No job, hardly applies for scholarships, grants, aid of any kind for school.  I feel like it is all on me.  He seems to have taken his Dad's personality and isn't going to worry about it.  I don't know how else to enlighten him of the real life.

I kinda freaked out on Brock last week about how he will not be living with us forever and will need to work and earn his degree himself.  I tried to tell him his college professors are not going to care if he shows up.  They aren't going to pull him through, he has to do it himself.
Sigh...  um,  Merry Christmas!

Better Days Ahead

I am better today.

Still sick, but better.  My kiddos are with me today to help with my lonliness... :)

I lost the battle last night.  I broke down and called Aaron.  It was nice to talk to him.  He helped me settle down and listened to me vent.  He said he was glad I called and liked talking to me.   We made no plans to see each other in the future, just caught up.  It felt good.

I slept in until 10am thanks to this cold that I have and grabbed my kids, made lunch and napped.  Made supper than napped.

Yep. I am so much fun.  :)  This will be a good week since I have my kids all week.

Missing...

One year has passed since I moved out alone.

Yeah, I begin seeing the alcoholic, addict that I thought wanted to change.  I thought he just needed someone to be there for him for once. Truly there for him.  Not like my ex 'was' for me.

Well, I am alone.  Nobody here but me.  Listening to the ticking clock pass the time. The lights on the tree dance and the sound of my own sighs.

***Warning: Pity Party ahead... ****
I miss Aaron.  How can you miss someone that comes and goes with the wind?  Someone that has dug himself into such a pit that he can't even acquire a bank account.   Unable to keep a drivers license and manipulation and lies are so common that he doesn't know when he is doing it.

Because.... he was present. When he was with you he wasn't distracted by others.  He was truly focused on you.  Not himself.  He could be so helpful around the house.  People loved him. People always wanted to help him out.  He has so many friend requests on FB that he ignored I was in AWE.  Maybe he ignored them because the guilt of possibly playing them in the past for money...  He was picky about      who he hangs around.  He had a sober friend and a drunk friend.  Right now he is with his drunk friend.

I miss sitting with him watching a movie on my couch.  He loved to get me Starbucks.  He always would repeat my order with a smile.  I loved his giant rough hands and beautiful body.  Ugh.  He used to worry about if he was getting too fat.  I though was hilarious. I choose to ignore his bulimia, until his teeth were starting to show signs of it.  He won't be able to keep it up...

He loved to fill the ice cube trays.  That was his pet peeve.  They always were filled as long as he was around.  And hardly had dishes in the sink with him.  He had to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.

I am trying to enjoy my last few weeks of free time before school kicks in.  I won't have much time to myself then.  Probably a good thing, especially since I miss him so much.
I want to hear his voice.  Even to be there for me as a friend right now...  but I know I can't.
....

Quick Update

Um, not so much feeling the Rob thing anymore I think. He  hardly contacted me last week due to work, but I was not impressed over the weekend.

One of my pet peeves is when a guy says "I'll call you at 8" but doesn't call until 9am, and doesn't think  anything about it.  This is not the first time it happened with him... I think he soon be in the past for me.

On Saturday, I am supposed to go hiking with Keith.  He is funny and very exited about it.  We'll see.  I am not overly excited about it.  I am glad because we are going hiking, but it is supposed to be cold and possilble rain.