The kids had a fabulous Christmas, well, I guess it was an okay Christmas.
Zeb loved his gift, but he always loves his gifts. I love getting him things because he gets so excited. That is my joy. That is what I got for Christmas. He makes me happy. Brock and Reece do too but they are past the "happy, happy, joy, joy" stage.
My counselor wonders why I stuck around Aaron so long. That is what I keep trying to figure out these days. I need to ask myself what am I getting out of it? She said there has to be a reason that I stuck around him.... and still love talking to him. This is dangerous territory. I need to keep on top of my feelings. I am still so crazy about him. I am very lucky that he is still in Northern Ohio. He wants to come down. He keeps apologizing. Says he misses me. We have had many discussions on how much he hurt me. How I still have a wall up and it may never be repaired.
Part of me wants to have him again. At least until school starts. Why? I am trying to figure that out. Partly because he feels good. He can say the most sincere things. Has the best kisses... and well, some things aren't meant to be posted for the public.
He is now calling me daily. I picked up a lot of extra hours at work, as I needed the extra cash. I have some excuses for not heading up there right now and getting him. BUT, Oh, how I would love to spend the next 3 days with him at my place...
I know, it will not take long for the manipulation to come back. I think it is starting already, but I am on to it. Today, his self doubts are showing in the form his self worth, telling me about some girls that are giving him their phone numbers and gifts. But then he tells me he doesn't want them because I'm in his heart. He said he couldn't do that, because he would feel like he was cheating on his heart.
I wish I could pinpoint why I am so stuck to him. He really has a huge hole he dug for himself, yet part of me wants to give him another chance.
I wish I could figure out what I get from him. Why does it feel like I can't seem to find it in other guys? Rob texted me today, feeling alone. I feel bad for him, but I don't miss him. Ty also texted me wishing me a Merry Christmas. I don't miss him either....
I've been in places where I was being used. You can either let yourself continue to be used or you can say "I need to do what is right for me" and walk away. And it sucks walking away. Part of the reason that I started going to the gym so much a few years back was because I needed to fill that hole. I needed something to fill my time and channel my energy into sometihng positive. You need to figure out how to fill that hole. Aaron needs to channel his energies into somthing positive too, but he's had that problem for years. Keep thinking about where you are going and what you actually want. Don't give up!
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