Gifts

The kids had a fabulous Christmas, well, I guess it was an okay Christmas.

Zeb loved his gift, but he always loves his gifts.  I love getting him things because he gets so excited.  That is my joy.  That is what I got for Christmas. He makes me happy.  Brock and Reece do too but they are past the "happy, happy, joy, joy" stage.

My counselor wonders why I stuck around Aaron so long.   That is what I keep trying to figure out these days.   I need to ask myself what am I getting out of it?  She said there has to be a reason that I stuck around him.... and still love talking to him.  This is dangerous territory.  I need to keep on top of my feelings.  I am still so crazy about him.  I am very lucky that he is still in Northern Ohio.  He wants to come down.  He keeps apologizing.  Says he misses me.  We have had many discussions on how much he hurt me.  How I still have a wall up and it  may never be repaired.

Part of me wants to have him again. At least until school starts. Why?  I am trying to figure that out.  Partly because he feels good.  He can say the most sincere things.  Has the best kisses... and well, some things aren't meant to be posted for the public.

He is now calling me daily.  I picked up a lot of extra hours at work, as I needed the extra cash.  I have some excuses for not heading up there right now and getting him.  BUT, Oh, how I would love to spend the next 3 days with him at my place...

I know, it will not take long for the manipulation to come back.  I think it is starting already, but I am on to it.  Today, his self doubts are showing in the form his self worth, telling me about some girls that are giving him their phone numbers and gifts.  But then he tells me he doesn't want them because I'm in his heart.  He said he couldn't do that, because he would feel like he was cheating on his heart.

I wish I could pinpoint why I am so stuck to him.  He really has a huge hole he dug for himself, yet part of me wants to give him another chance.

I wish I could figure out what I get from him.  Why does it feel like I can't seem to find it in other guys?  Rob texted me today, feeling alone.  I feel bad for him, but I don't miss him.  Ty also texted me wishing me a Merry Christmas.  I don't miss him either....

Yum... foood....

Today is a good day.
I am happy.  These days happiness is baked goods, coffee with creamer, coke zero and romantic comedies.  This weekends movies have been A little Bit of Heaven, 12 Dates of Christmas, and What's your number.

I can't say life is all roses... I have mini pity parties.  Didn't want to be alone on Christmas so I picked up 12 hours on Christmas. No one to make me feel special on my birthday.  I picked up 12 hours so I wouldn't be alone.  It's strange not anticipating some surprise for my birthday.  Even though my ex really didn't ever surprise me on my birthday the anticipation was nice.  Now, I don't have that.  I don't expect others to remember it.  Life gets crazy this time of year.  Time flies and I know how hard it is for me to afford birthday gifts for others...  I am glad I will have my kids for that week.  I do have that to look forward to.  They are finally getting better about not complaining when they have to stay at my place.  Their Dad just won an ipad, so now I feel like I have that to compete with.  I am trying to keep a positive attitude and hope they will like their Christmas gifts more than the ipad.

Rob texted me asking why I dumped him  for a friend so quick.  He wanted to know if I was seeing someone else.  Nope.  He didn't really seem to want to get to know me.  He talked so much about himself, and I felt like a bother.  I didn't tell him that. I just said if he knew my story maybe he would understand.  Then he texted me asking what my story was.  Really??? Now, via Text?  I listened to his ENTIRE life story over 6 hours and he wants me to text him mine??  Right.   He doesn't believe me that I am not seeing anyone.  Aaron still wants to get back with me, but I do not want to.  He hurt me too much.  School and my kids are my priority.

I am nervously counting the days until my first class.  I signed up to hold my books for school.  I am going to rent them.  It is half the price and I don't have to worry about getting rid of them.  I have to apply for financial aid just after the first of the year for both me and my oldest son, Brock.  I really worry about his ambition.  He just doesn't get motivated without threats.  No job, hardly applies for scholarships, grants, aid of any kind for school.  I feel like it is all on me.  He seems to have taken his Dad's personality and isn't going to worry about it.  I don't know how else to enlighten him of the real life.

I kinda freaked out on Brock last week about how he will not be living with us forever and will need to work and earn his degree himself.  I tried to tell him his college professors are not going to care if he shows up.  They aren't going to pull him through, he has to do it himself.
Sigh...  um,  Merry Christmas!

Better Days Ahead

I am better today.

Still sick, but better.  My kiddos are with me today to help with my lonliness... :)

I lost the battle last night.  I broke down and called Aaron.  It was nice to talk to him.  He helped me settle down and listened to me vent.  He said he was glad I called and liked talking to me.   We made no plans to see each other in the future, just caught up.  It felt good.

I slept in until 10am thanks to this cold that I have and grabbed my kids, made lunch and napped.  Made supper than napped.

Yep. I am so much fun.  :)  This will be a good week since I have my kids all week.

Missing...

One year has passed since I moved out alone.

Yeah, I begin seeing the alcoholic, addict that I thought wanted to change.  I thought he just needed someone to be there for him for once. Truly there for him.  Not like my ex 'was' for me.

Well, I am alone.  Nobody here but me.  Listening to the ticking clock pass the time. The lights on the tree dance and the sound of my own sighs.

***Warning: Pity Party ahead... ****
I miss Aaron.  How can you miss someone that comes and goes with the wind?  Someone that has dug himself into such a pit that he can't even acquire a bank account.   Unable to keep a drivers license and manipulation and lies are so common that he doesn't know when he is doing it.

Because.... he was present. When he was with you he wasn't distracted by others.  He was truly focused on you.  Not himself.  He could be so helpful around the house.  People loved him. People always wanted to help him out.  He has so many friend requests on FB that he ignored I was in AWE.  Maybe he ignored them because the guilt of possibly playing them in the past for money...  He was picky about      who he hangs around.  He had a sober friend and a drunk friend.  Right now he is with his drunk friend.

I miss sitting with him watching a movie on my couch.  He loved to get me Starbucks.  He always would repeat my order with a smile.  I loved his giant rough hands and beautiful body.  Ugh.  He used to worry about if he was getting too fat.  I though was hilarious. I choose to ignore his bulimia, until his teeth were starting to show signs of it.  He won't be able to keep it up...

He loved to fill the ice cube trays.  That was his pet peeve.  They always were filled as long as he was around.  And hardly had dishes in the sink with him.  He had to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.

I am trying to enjoy my last few weeks of free time before school kicks in.  I won't have much time to myself then.  Probably a good thing, especially since I miss him so much.
I want to hear his voice.  Even to be there for me as a friend right now...  but I know I can't.
....

Quick Update

Um, not so much feeling the Rob thing anymore I think. He  hardly contacted me last week due to work, but I was not impressed over the weekend.

One of my pet peeves is when a guy says "I'll call you at 8" but doesn't call until 9am, and doesn't think  anything about it.  This is not the first time it happened with him... I think he soon be in the past for me.

On Saturday, I am supposed to go hiking with Keith.  He is funny and very exited about it.  We'll see.  I am not overly excited about it.  I am glad because we are going hiking, but it is supposed to be cold and possilble rain.

Pondering

Navigating the dating highway is difficult.  Trying to figure out what I want.  Me alone.

My counselor suggested I create a list of positives that I am looking for in a relationship.  (and negatives I don't)  I don't know why I am dragging my feet on it.  I meant to sit down do that tonight but I am lacking the motivation.

I had a second date with Rob.  He made me dinner on Saturday night.  It was really great.  He waited on me hand and foot.  Complete with candle light he did a great job.  We played games on his ipad and went for a walk.  He filled me in on his life.  He didn't really ask me questions about me.  I asked him why that is and he said he is leaving it up to me.  When I am ready he figured I would tell him about me.  I guess that makes sense... I am still a little leery   He works some serious hours, but they are based on contracts.  So, if he has a new contract he works a lot to get it started.

I must say I have never been treated so well.

As far as the diet... urgh.  I admit, I am struggling.  I don't have any motivation.  I don't know why but I  am in a funk.  I do have a lot on my mind, maybe that is it.

My kids, college, my parents, my job, my lack of money and my loneliness are all taking a toll on me.

Maybe?

Well, tonight was my first date with Rob.

We have a lot in common.  He likes to travel. He was also married for 17 years, divorced 1.  Has 3 kids too.  Likes to ride bikes, workout and go to shows... oh likes to cook and I like to eat.  (ha.ha.)

He recently joined a gym he said to 'keep up with me'... ha.ha.  He is looking to lose a few and I was going to my spin classes bright and early in the am that week.

So, Monday night we planned to meet after work and eat, then he called me at work and said he had a surprise for me...
He picked me up at work tonight and as soon as I got in he told me there was a bottle of water for me in the door.  (awe, I know)  We drove around a local neighborhood called Mt. Adams.  I actually ran there when I did the Flying Pig marathon in 2011.  There is a beautiful view of the park.  We had time to kill so he filled me in on the details of my evening.  We stopped by Rookwood, which used to be a GIANT pottery factory that has exposed beams, huge kilns you can sit in, and some pretty dim lights.  It is a killer romantic atmosphere!  Wow.
We had 45 minutes only so we opted for appetizers and wine.  We had brusetta and country fried bacon. Yep.  The really did find a way to make it even more unhealthy!! lol.
We quickly made it out of there just in time to get to Playhouse in the Park to see Hank Williams Lost Highway.  It was a synopsis of Hank's life told by his Mom, Wife, Buddies and songs by Hank all rolled into one.
My Dad really enjoyed Hank Williams when I was a kid so many of those songs brought back memories.  I actually had a good time!

Rob is VERY affectionate.  Kind of 'nerdy' looking.  It was different, but nice. He opened all the doors for me and helped me put on my coat!
I have never had such an evening.  It really impressed me.

The only thing I didn't like was he likes to talk about himself.  I am not sure if that was nerves or normal... I will see.  He is about the same height as me, the shortest guy I have ever dated.    Maybe a bit taller,  he could loose 30 lbs, but has some pretty nice arms...

Definitely would like to see him again.  ;)

177.4

So, I gained this week.

Go Figure...

I came home a day early from my trip, since I couldn't hide in my room all day and my Mom made me feel like I was in the wrong for wanting to meet up with my friends.  I also was hurt how on Thanksgiving, it felt like the family got together to get the things my Dad cherished out of the house.  I had a hard time watching it go. My Dad loved that stuff and even though he can't use it anymore I just couldn't watch it happen.  It felt like they took the stuff and ran.   Jared really never seemed to talk to my Dad much.  Didn't bother to learn about any of the tools or machines he took before he knew he was going to get them.
Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if my sister Jill actually came to visit my parents other then when requested.

Aaron left me yet another message today #3.  This time he called from his buddies phone so he got to leave a message.  I finally replied with "A. only loves me when he is drinking, he can leave me alone now please. Thanks."  Eventually he will leave me alone.  He said he is in Toledo with his buddy.

I managed to get 3 miles in at the gym.  I really hate those mirrors in the gym.  I have my mothers cellulite thighs... It is such a disappointment to walk to the machines know exactly how bad they look.  I try to hide them behind my towel and water bottle.  I hold them low enough to disguise them.

R., the guy that I met at my employee craft fair, wants to take me out on an actual date next week.  He doesn't have to go to New York next week.  He joined a gym and wants to lose 45 lbs.  He is way more driven than I am.  When he goes he spends HOURS there.  Treadmill, weights, rowing machine, elipitcal and biking.  I can't spend more than one hour there!  I hope he can keep it up... it is a good motivator for me.  But he is still hurt from his divorce... he will say things like how he misses doing things with someone (meaning spouse or girlfriend).  Every once in a while he will tell me how much his kids adore him, like he is needing to be petted or something.

I was doing a special project for some doctors at work and ran out of write out, I will have to get more tomorrow to finish the charts.  The have to be sent in by Friday for them.

Well, that is it... my life to date.

Home sick.

What a crazy emotional week for me....

Urgh.  I let go of watching my calories and just ate when I was hungry... I am supposed to weigh in tomorrow.

Aaron left me two voicemails and a text message.  After the first one, I felt better knowing I did not call him back.  He was blocked later that same night when he tried to call me again, so he sent me a text.  The second call came when my phone died as I was meeting a friend for dinner.

I was dreading meeting my family for Thanksgiving, since my sister J, was less than excited about me this year due to my divorce and my handling of the care of our parents.

I was looking forward to seeing some of my local friends.  I had lunch with one, Wine with another and dinner with another.  After meeting my friend for dinner I was locked out of the house by my Mom in order to make sure my Dad didn't wander out.  After suggesting that I could seal up the home when I get home, then she tells me that I was acting like a 'teenager', because I was visiting with my local friends each night. I wasn't even out late.  I was home by 10:30 at the latest.

 On Wednesday I was looking forward to meeting some friends at a bar for 80's night.  Shortly after arriving, I felt so alone.  The last place I wanted to be was there.  I wanted to hide.  I didn't want to go back to my parents house.  I wanted to go home.  To hide, to be truly alone.  Or at least alone with my kids.

Now.  I survived the meal with my family and now I get to sit around and do nothing tomorrow.  Maybe I will leave and head back early.  I really don't want to stay...urgh.

Brooklyn or Bust!

It is the night before the big holiday trip back to Wisconsin.  I have kid number 2 and 3 sitting here in the living room with tummies full of Burger King , watching short movies with characters from Shrek, Mega Mind and Monsters vs. Aliens with me right now.  Laundry in the dryer and my mind is spinning with things I may need to bring.

I was pretty excited to be down ANOTHER 3.4 lbs today.  Total so far is 5.8.  I was really surprised since I did a pretty sad job of picking bad choices last weekend.

Well, I am beat!
Time for bed!

For the Chub of it.

I've done it.

I am back to Fat Class.

Dropped the addict, Aaron.  HE is gone.  No longer lingering around.  Sober for 6 months and has fallen off the wagon.  I wish him the best.  Next, Onward!

I dropped 3.4 lbs the first week and as of Wednesday had another 3 gone.  Lets hope they are still gone tomorrow when I weigh in.

I've been doing something I never did before.  Texting boys.   There was Eric, the cop.  Jason the casino server, Russ the construction worker and now Rob the businessman.

This is new territory for me.  Eric randomly will text me from time to time... we never have met, talked about.  Same for Russ, we talked about meeting but never did.  I did meet Jason, but not exactly my type.  He is very opinionated.

I managed to get to spin class twice this week, bright and early in the morning.  It felt great to get moving again.  What a boost for your esteem!  If Rob is the real deal and will become my workout buddy I am excited!